Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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