Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
