I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
