do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
