I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
