Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
