If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
