saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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