Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
