My liver just broke up with me...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
