tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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