I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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