I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
