You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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