He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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