he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
