the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
