Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
