i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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