i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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