gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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