I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I touched a dick in church today
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize