How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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