shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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