i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
