I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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