my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
