How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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