dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
