I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
