I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize