I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
