You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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