Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
