remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize