my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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