The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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