And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
