I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
