my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
