So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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