I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
