Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
