A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
