mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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