Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize