I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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