I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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