I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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