I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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