This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
