Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Be still, my beating vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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