The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize