my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize