my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
