my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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