Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
