im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
