I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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