I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
