You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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