When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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