Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
