I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
