the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
